D&D / DnD: how it truly matters to adults & why I don't cancel
I've talked about D&D and also the importance of showing up generally, in various blog posts.
Today I want to relate how D&D has made a massive difference in my life and that of my friends and why I almost never cancel.
I am the DM and I host together with my girlfriend, if I cancel, there is no game.
That would be highly unfortunate for myself as well as my players.
One of our players has been playing for over 40 years. One day he came over to play, just like many times before. Soon after arriving, and before we started the game, he suddenly said "I am so happy the game is on and that I am here,.. I really need this right now."
He then told us how he had just had terrible news and experience involving a very close family member, the kind of thing you hope never happens to any friend nor family and that would leave anyone very worried and knowing it is something they will have to be concerned about, contend with, and work on in the future, for a good amount of months to come.
We tried our best to be supportive, listened, asked a few questions and one or two of the players could even offer a bit of lived experience or practical advice. Our player and friend said that being able to leave behind this issue and all his serious real world worries, for even just four hours, was exactly what he needed at that moment. We had a great session.
Imagine if had unknowingly written to the group earlier that day:
"I am not quite feeling it, I am a bit tired, sorry guys, I am cancelling the session, see you in two weeks or such."
In a totally different group of former players, there are five guys I have known for twenty years now, I still talk to them near daily in a messenger app group. All of them I consider friendly acquaintances and one of them is a good friend who visited me (despite living a few countries over) not long ago. Every one of them I met through D&D (by way of a local TTRPG forum) and we talk online about a long list of topics, and of course D&D remains a frequent topic.
Long ago, and for years, we met quite often in person, not only for D&D. None of us live very close to one another anymore, which doesn't seem to matter for us to stay in touch. I also met the guy who was my best friends for many years (we lived in same place for some time and hung out every day) in the same manner.
"Make believe" with others is the first game we all learn, when we are very young. It is how we learn to: dream, make friends, socialize and take on different roles. To imagine that we could be a bit or a lot more heroic, more accomplished, more experienced or even to be a another person who lives a wildly different and more adventurous life.
All that is way too important to do less and less of as we get older. Time pressures, responsibilities and "acting our age" frequently mean that eventually we rarely -and in plenty of cases almost never- reconnect with this part of ourselves anymore. Never mind reconnecting with that part & sharing it with five other adults, in the same room, face to face while also sharing food, drinks and good times, for four hours. How often do most adults do all that?
Regularly being able to create, imagine and play different roles in a shared world, that we all collaboratively make, as well as forgetting about the real world and all our worries, for four hours each time, is crucial.
If I had not found D&D -through my best friend- at eleven years old and started DMing very soon thereafter, I would be worse at: narrating, story-telling, dreaming, imagining, improvising, managing groups, logistics, reading, communicating, setting and respecting boundaries & expectations. My vocabulary and facility with two languages would be appreciably worse, since I really read many D&D and fantasy books relentlessly back then.
Those skills have helped me in real life, totally apart of the game. They aided me in friendships, relationships and also very much professionally. Without TTRPGs I would have had far fewer friends & good acquaintances and way less peak moments, good times and fun evenings.
Running a single session is a six hour proposition, at least. Unfortunately I have never managed to prepare a lot of a session far in advance, despite trying often. I just work best as a crammer. Generally speaking I do ca. 50% to 90% of my preparation on the day of the session. Preparing the session averages two hours for every session we play. My girlfriend (and myself, where I can) prepare our home before the session, so we can host the group. Each session itself takes four hours.
We play Thursdays at 19:00, it is a work day for me and for my friends too, and it is towards the end of the work week. Often, I will be tired, and a bit rushed. Sometimes, I have insomnia. The majority of sessions there is a voice in me that says:
"I could just take the evening off, cancel the session, watch series, zone out online,..!" I never do.
Obviously, neither I, nor my players would ever dream of faulting anyone for cancelling when someone is ill or has an actual emergency.
Professor Dungeonmaster said it best: https://youtu.be/1tRcgqMDQPo?t=83
But barring force majeure, I show up. Because the completely unique moments where we all laugh heartily, where we, as a group of friends and friendly acquaintances are carefree and totally in the moment, & the times we do something truly fun or zany, creatively and collaboratively in the game -often something that is totally unexpected and unplanned- can be amazing.
I know my players feel similar or the same because they tell me with some regularity. And I also know because most sessions, I take a few pictures or a short video, and many times I see a child-like giddiness, amusement, relaxation, abandonment and enjoyment on the faces of my players, and on mine too. We have an outstanding time, in a unusual way, that few other activities can ever replicate.
All the above makes the effort absolutely worth it. Afterwards, I almost always feel elated. I usually get into a sort of flow state during the game itself, I am not tired anymore, and the hours will fly by.
Sure, after the game ends it will be 23:15 and I will be tired, but in a pleasant very relaxed way, and often uniquely mentally and emotionally energized as well. I never regret it. I am always happy that I played. It is a real bonding experience for my players and my girlfriend and I.
These 95 seconds below explain all the above better than anything else I have ever seen (or read):
https://youtu.be/2PEt5RdNHNw?t=476
It is much more than "just a game" to me, and the same is true for most people that have played it often in a good group. It is far too important to half-ass it or to not prioritize it.
I don't cancel.