Show up. How to be a reliable and reachable friend, it matters a lot
About the importance of showing up and not cancelling, especially not last minute
I hate to be that guy, and I do not want to tell everyone how they should live or have friendships. Hence below I am solely relating what has been crucial for me and my close friends. While I think most people very much appreciate and prefer to do it in at least a somewhat similar way, I have met some more rare individuals that almost never do -nor expect- the things below. Most of those, but certainly not all, had very few close long-term friends
Friendships are one of the most important things to me, period. I try to put in the effort and my close friends know I will offer -and expect- some of the things below.
These 100 seconds in the video below, I have always strongly felt that way, and not just about D&D, but about any appointment with a friend.
https://youtu.be/1tRcgqMDQPo?t=65
Essentially he says: "Barring illness, showing up, timely, and keeping your plans and word if you said you'd definitely be there is 95% of success, but much more importantly it is 95% of friendship and of community (any!) building." & "Once you have made clear plans, even if a potentially better plan comes along, you will still keep the original plan."
Sure, the video is somewhat tongue in cheek and a little sarcastic. Yet it does all apply to my life.
Friends, who invite you, look forward to seeing you, it may be a small high-light of their week, they might have something small prepared or planned, they may well have discarded other plans and opportunities s to spend time with you.
If you cancel relatively often, especially last minute and without a good reason, do not be surprised if the friendship wanes or even ceases to exist after a number of months. All worthwhile relationship require at least some mutual commitment, interest and maintenance.
Why would you bother inviting someone over and over if they show up very little? It usually means they are simply too busy and/or just not that interested. Which is fine. Better for both to focus on other people or invites which can meet each respective person's needs and expectations.
Implied in all the above is that up to half the time I am a little careful to give my total assurance I will 100% do ABC. There is nothing wrong with sometimes saying (and meaning),.. "Thank you! That sounds fun, but I am not sure I can make it, please do not count on me, if you have not heard otherwise by XX:XX time and day from me, assume I will not manage to come, but another time, I will!"
All people that know me, know I am rather busy, since every week I am doing a bit volunteer work, have my job, run a social center, DM D&D and more.
With newer people I will briefly relate all that and sometimes also explain (on top of what I wrote above):
"Oh this Saturday at 13:00? Ah cool, but I am going out to XYZ the night before, so I may need to be home and recharge my social batteries and take care of some things in my place and neighbourhood."
I always add "Please keep me inviting me to similar stuff, I really appreciate the invites. I may not always be able to make it but I am really interested and certainly want and will come some of the time!"
I will never make any of those things up, instead I actually tell people what I feel, what I have on my mind and what I am planning. I never want to keep anyone guessing or trying to read my mind or thinking I am too "polite" and what I really mean is "I am not that interested, too busy now and likely almost always will be too busy, but I will placate you and leave you unsure and reading between the lines."
As long as the above: "I may come but it is just as likely I will not" response, is not a very frequent response I think it is fair or works fine. Plenty of times I simply say "Yes! I will be there, thank you."
I also am as honest, tactful and direct as I can be if a proposed activity is not for me. "Never Yuck anyone's Yum." is a good baseline here. I might say something like:
"I am just not really into World Music, but it sounds like a fun gathering and hope you have a blast! If next week or the one after you feel like doing this other specific activity (something I know they would enjoy) I would love to meet up!" And I will follow up later.
I do not think any of the above is particularly special, much less hard to do, in all honesty it saves me effort, stress and disappointment as much as my friends.
Everything above feeds into and is supported by punctuality, or at least not carelessness with other people's time. In my short blog post "My Pet Peeves, how anyone can avoid some stress & confusion" I have a few practical ideas that I personally stick to:
https://anon0.bearblog.dev/my-pet-peeves-how-anyone-can-avoid-some-stress-confusion/
A way to never unintentionally lose touch with long-term friends
Few people still call or e-mail regularly in a purely social capacity. Social media, has many privacy and other concerns and also is very ephemeral. Many conversations as well as contacts get lost on a middle to long time-line.
People break their phone or have it stolen, they move country, change SIM or nr., get tired of a platform or App and remove and never install or use it again. Life gets busy and hectic, with children or illness or 10+ other possibilities that are big picture and very preoccupying and time consuming. Those are just a few of many ways that people and even friends lose touch, without planning nor choosing too.
Sometimes 4 months or even several years later a person suddenly thinks "Oh wow, I have not spoken to this person I still really like, or even think of as a friend for sooo long, let me reach out!" And then for one or several of the reasons above (could be on one or both ends), try as they might, the cannot reach the other.
I think that is a real shame. Even if you quarreled, and that is why contact stopped, I have a few times experienced that years later someone got a new insight and realized "I was most to blame, I will message to apologize and explain!" A few times I was the person to apologize. Generally it was always well received. Nobody owes anybody friendship, or even forgiveness, but a sincere apology, once, and at least the closure and clarity that may give both parties, is a good thing. People change, grow, mature, particularly if a few years go by.
At least 4 times, a friendships that I thought was dead and buried, much later blossomed again and even became better than ever. Relationships are rarely only steady sailing and an upward trajectory for a decade. Sometimes they are a complete stop, and restart.
I learned recently that some people (happened to someone I know with their one or two of their friendships) get busy for a few months or even 6+ and then think of the person or see the message and suddenly realize how long it has been and feel ashamed or embarrassed to reply now, because "it has been so long!" so then they don't, they don't reply for a few more weeks on top of those months,.. and feel even more embarrassed and reluctant, rinse and repeat. I think that is honestly a bit nutty. Seize the day. Life is short. Far better bit embarrassed and rather late than literally never/letting a friendship die! One can just promise to do better in future, ignoring or perpetuating the past will never change it.
To always leave the door a little open (presuming that is preferred) and to make sure I and my friends never lose touch accidentally, once I consider someone a good friend or great acquaintance I always ask them: do you have an e-mail you think you may well keep "forever" or very long?
Then, if they give me that, I have this short mail I send them:
"Dear friend,
Life happens, sometimes people lose touch, and later want to pick it back up again and can't due to unintentional technical or other unplanned challenges. You never know, but I hope we remain in touch for long! For those reasons and eventualities, this e-mail I am writing your from right now is the one I hope to keep forever.
abc@domainexample.com
I usually keep my phone numbers for a decade or more: 00.00.000.00
This is my address: XX
If in 1, or 10+ years you have trouble reaching me, try those, e-mail ideally, with your details or if that fails you could try SMS (since people change or delete messaging apps).
My best regards!"
I have found that works well. I sends a literal message that you care, and that the door is always a least a little open and that you can be found.