You don't know it right now, but this is as good as life is ever going to get,...?
That sentence is a powerful and nostalgic sentiment, but in my honest opinion and experience, a defeatist one. Especially if people say it about a time, that is a year, or even ten years or more in the past,..
Of course for people who suddenly experience real lasting tragedy or severe illness it can ring, as well as be, very true.
In the overwhelming majority of other cases, it seems to be a hankering for a past, that simply can not ever come again. In too many and the worst cases, it is a resignation and an excuse to remain stagnant and not even try any more, to not hope for better. To not work on your flaws and by doing all that ensuring that those great times -or something as good yet different- will not come again. Everyone knows at least one person who peaked in high school or uni and then simply stopped growing much and lived in the past (glories) a little too much. Or, someone that became a little more jaded, negative, cynical, self-involved, self-satisfied, ossified and judgemental every five years.
Or people who seemed to have become extremely reactionary due to social media, the culture wars, rabbit-holes, recreational outrage, echo-chambers or having dug themselves in to a certain world-view, to the point that factual evidence or even reality is of secondary concern to them.
Religion, esoterism, rather extreme right-wing or left-wing politics, medical skepticism, conspiracy theories, cultish hero worship of very questionable famous individuals, one or more of those usually come along with that mindset and change.
I always loved those last lines from the movie "Stand by me".
I once had three friends like that, that were as close to me as my biological brothers, in all truth,.. closer.
And yes, I will miss them forever.
Because I lost those friendships along the way, two of them after decades of friendship.
But the thing is: I don't actually miss those 2026 people. I miss the people they used to be, and I once pined for how we used to treat and saw each other. And maybe even, once in a blue moon, I miss a few, very small parts of who I used to be.
Over the years, too much of those people and lots of the mutual regard,.. got lost. Or at very least some key parts of our make-up changed radically or in part radically refused to change, especially in terms of successfully confronting our differences and a final conflict resolution. I mean that in terms of a rare occurrence with a solution attached, since nobody thrives, nor enjoys when you repeatedly discuss the same unresolved issues.
As much as we did once try, multiple times even,. at one point we could never get back there, to those days, those individuals, that time, or more accurately to that mutual: "assume-the-best-and-make-sure-things-get-better" treatment of one another. At least we did not end up there for long, nor in a healthy and persistent way. That fence had been mended one too many times and could not be made whole again.
As sad as that is, it also weirdly joyful, because it is life. You can't go back. You can not live in the past. To say: "the only constant is change" is hackneyed, yet here we are.
Importantly, I have actually very closely befriended three persons that are in my life still now. Two of those I am as close with as those former friends of decades! And these newer people have been super close to me for many years now too, one of them I live with. By our own admissions, they are my best friends and I am theirs.
Before I met these a bit newer people, for a time, I honestly believed that, that such a thing would never happen again. That my best relationships and friendships (and times?) were forever in the rearview mirror. Subconsciously perhaps, there were months I didn't even try too hard or much at all, to find friends like that anymore. I had lost my optimism some.
One day,.. I did "just happen". Not overnight and not by itself. It occurred when I changed city, and before that when I started enjoying new hobbies, and showing up & putting in plenty of time and effort.
By inviting various people, getting them involved with more of my hobbies and also showing up for them and their interests. I don't know if it was 10 or 40 persons for each of those few that stuck, but either way it was 100% worth the effort and even the journey had a lot of value in itself.
I don't see us "breaking up" as friends in a hurry at all, maybe not ever.
Of course, these slightly newer people didn't and won't ever know me as I was as an 11 or 22 year old etc. Yet the awesome thing about that is: because we are all adults now, we have made most of our social mistakes with big consequences, at least once already. Learned from them. We all became better at apologizing, communicating and being kind. As a result, we are likely also more compatible and have a far more stable, non-volatile relationships. We all started with that clean slate together and with lived experience. We certainly have as many keen current interests in common as I did during the last few years with my former friends, likely more. Which was previously also something I worried about, that I would "never again bond over really quite niche interests ABC, those people are too rare." That proved to be totally untrue.
As much as I hate to say it about my old two former friends, "flexible" and good at: confronting issues head-on, conflict resolution & harder communication and slight compromise, doing all of that in a healthy way,.. I don't recall many -if any- people that knows them well, or once did, would ever say that about either of them. Part of that I love, it is absolutely one of the things that drew me to them as a young teen, their strong sense of self and their conviction, yet what I needed then, sometimes is very detrimental now.
I am forever glad we met and were friends for so long, yet presuming there is no change in personality and communication skills, we are all better off, as we are now: leaving the past in the past. I have always wished them well, I still do, I could not be more sincere about that. Despite the disagreement or frustration or anger that did come up in past, I wish for peace and happiness for them. I think if they -and myself- had, had those two things in more abundance back in the day, we would not have come to our impasse and the end of friendship, but totally apart from that, I truly hope they are thriving.
Despite their many other awesome qualities, in the long run, two-way communication, flexibility, a willingness to change, to accept, and also certainly to deal with issues head on, is not only more important, but it is everything. All the shared hobbies, niche interests, political leaning, shared decades, thousands of great moments or nostalgia in the world can not save you if you can not communicate well or adapt to differences.
Because all people will change. With the years, certainly in a few ways we don't like, including myself. But if we accept the changes, or at least have forbearance and focus on the things we do still love rather than on what we don't like and share anymore, everyone will be happier.
To be fair, the truth is that there were some things about them I could never accept or fully ignore either, especially if those changes came about very late and were at times a complete reversal of their former being and ideas. That, coupled with their inability to communicate about our differences constructively, was the death-knell.
The aforementioned almost complete reversal of their ideas and personal politics in one case, and in another the choosing to move to and live in a fascist, dangerous country (even though they very easily could have left for greener pastures at any point) a country which, only get worse,.. those were two choices I could never accept.
I used to have strong doubts on whether I should have never criticized those choices, in the spirit of kindness, but is it ever kind to ignore it when someone you care a lot about puts themselves in harms way or steers towards totally preventable misery unnecessarily? How is that laudable or kind? I don't doubt anymore, though of course one can almost always say things with more tact or kindness.
I never fight with my current friends or partner, or it so rare and in such a limited way that it is truly not worth mentioning. Disagree or slightly argue, very rarely,.. sure. Actually fight and break off contact for that reason alone, even just for a few hours? Never. And over the years anything even resembling that a little, occurs only less.
Whenever we did get close to it in the past, it was always short-lived and never ad-hominem, zero name-calling and avoiding blaming and guilt finding as much as possible at all times. I don't remember ever going to bed angry nor resentful at any three of them, not in many years.
It always was us against the problem, not ever one person against the other or the perceived "guilty"/"bad" party,.. that makes all the difference. We always talk it out, take our time to do so as soon as it is possible and helpful, usually the same day, and doing that is never a "burden", never something we refuse to take on.
Almost every time we both ended up apologizing, and actually finding -different- ways we want to and actually do, do better, we focus on improving ourselves and the relationship, and meaning all of it. Actually moving past any issue, almost not ever having the same issue twice because we refuse to -constructively- tackle, discuss and resolve it the first time around.
At least every decade, and not seldomly every year or two, something or someone (extremely good) comes into my life. And before this great new direction or person appeared, I never, ever would have guessed that, this would become part of my life, not even a week before, nevermind years before it happened!
Besides meeting my current friends and partner, my move from the Netherlands to Berlin, I never thought that would happen, until it did. Or my extended stay in South East Asia, and now owning an apartment and ground floor social center (running it with friends and partner) in Valencia, I would have told you, you might be mad, that is sounded extremely unlikely even a half a year before each happened.
I took a shot, kept trying new things (failed a lot before something good came along, I considered buying something in at least three other cities before Valencia, was a total wash but still good, part of the process) and jumped on those few almost "no-brainer" opportunities when they came along. Had I made a tiny different move or waited a few months even, all those likely would never have happened for me. In time though, something else, also very good, very well might have. I will never discount that I got very lucky and so much help from so many kind people.
It is only when we stop trying. When we give up and give into cynicism. When we assume the days of joy, inspiration, happiness, connection, wonder, love and strong, best friendships are long gone, never to return,.. when we refuse to fix things, when we judge -too many- others to be irredeemable.. that we are actually old, isolated and miserable. And likely lonely.
And -solely- if and when we assume and do all that, do we make absolutely sure that our own self-fulfilling prophesy and expectation will become and remain our reality.